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Hyperactive Munkchip reflects on the Moments

Do you know what is one of the most precious powers a human being might have? It is the appreciation of the present moment after understanding that this moment is nonexistent anywhere else than in itself. In other words, the moment is gone once your thought about it is not in your head anymore. Once you stop appreciating the present moment by acknowledging its ephemeral nature, the precious moment is gone for good and there is no way to bring it back nor to return back to the moment. But again, is not the fact of the ephemeral nature of the moment makes it so precious? I guess it is a case. If the same moment would last forever, one would not hurry to appreciate and glorify it as the endless moment would be as a given. A moment… I guess life is composed of moments. Hundreds of thousands of moments which do never form a line. Instead, one moment replaces previous one. You get a new present moment exactly at the same timing you lose old present one. In fact I believe that all we have is the present moment. As there is no line of moments but only a dot where present moment takes place, there is no distance between any moment in the past, present moment and possible future present moments. From this I get a scary yet thrilling conclusion – no matter how much time we have to live, we all have the same amount of moment to live – only one – and it is the moment of present. We exist only in the present, and in the present neither the past nor the future co-exists. Thus, the only thing which makes difference is the ability to freeze the moment, that is the ability to acknowledge the absurdity and appreciate the beautiful side of it. So, once one realises that there is no distance between oneself right now drinking coffee at night while preparing for next days classes and oneself wrinkled, having thousand of memories and a present moment which is about to light off for good without being replaced anymore.

About the World with a Prince-Not-That-Charming**

Path Dependency and Why it is Difficult to Escape a Toxic Relationship?

Are you sadomasochist? Why you do not leave him? – from the first sight these questions seem to be totally normal to ask when you see a person suffering in a toxic or even abusive relationship. No doubts, it is so stupid to stay in a relationship where you are treated terribly even if you try to do all your best. Surely, you are not the tree, if you do not like being with a person, just leave! Well, when I was younger I also thought so, but now I can ensure that, in fact, instead of judging, we should dig a bit deeper to understand such manifestly irrational behaviour.

Imagine, you are a young adult who had a difficult childhood and your teenage years were the hell. You suffered from the psychological child abuse at home, you always heard how worthless you are. No matter what you did, others were better and even if you succeeded to be the best, it was just accidental success. You know such discourse well and even if you consider yourself to be strong, hard working and even nice enough human-being, you these painful words are always in the back of your mind. Even worse is if you get a confirmation from outside how worthless you are – some hostile words at school, some weird remarks in the street –  and you start doubting yourself. But you are strong and you can overcome all the challenges especially due to the fact that you start a new stage in life – now you leave your home and proudly become young independent and autonomous human-being. Finally you can run away from bad memories and when you look at the sky, you do not see any stars which could remind you about your painful past. Everything goes well but you feel empty and lonely. You need a human being who would be soft for you, who would love you the way you are and who would honestly care about you. As you meet with you new people, such one appears in front of your eyes. A person, who seems to be interested in you. A person, who says he likes you. It is all you need. You feel much less empty now.

However, a person who states that he likes you and who is in couple with you now does not resemble the Prince Charming at all. In fact, you can clearly see his negligence towards you. You have experienced his judging voice and angry shouting, You are smart enough to realise that you deserve a better person to be with. You know that you should be treated much better. However , you are used to be treated badly and never experienced something nicer. Also, your Prince not that Charming is only one or one of few people who you put all your time and efforts in to built a relationship. Therefore, If you leave the Prince, you will be alone. All alone. You are so scared of that. You decide to stay with your Prince for a bit longer – until you will become less fragile and will be able to leave. Easy to say – while time passes by, you internalise that person more and more and he becomes a big part of your reality. With each day a person acts worse and worse, but it equally becomes more and more difficult to separate because that would mean that you would lose an enormous part of your new world now. And you are still afraid to be lonely. Even if a person looks down on you, disregards you and makes your already difficult life even more challenging, you somehow feel that deep inside a your Prince loves you. Yes, you are special for him but as he says he does not expresses his love explicitly. It is the way he is. In any case, it is not enough for you. You are worth having a normal relationship! You try to break up, to leave, to run away. Each time you leave, he finds you and brings you back. You count a dozen of such break ups. If he did not come to you after you leave, you might grow apart him, but now it is too difficult. To add, the fact that he leaves his pride and comes back gives a warm feeling to you even if you know that once you are together again, nothing will change. Toxins in the relationship usually could not be liquidated. Once relationship is intoxicated, it is for good. You are well aware of that. However, a little voice deep in your mind wonders if he might change a little bit. That he might understand his wrong doings and at least silently regret. In any case, he never changes fundamentally and you are stuck with your Prince not that Charming seemingly for eternity.

Thus, the question is how your difficult early years are related to inability to leave your Prince. In fact, as you suffered from psychological child abuse, you are already fragile: you do not have your reality where you are loved, treated well and special to someone like your parents. Therefore, unconsciously you are in urge to construct such world by yourself as fast as possible. You want to be special, you want to be loved and that is totally natural. As a result, whoever shows up with their manifested interest to built a new world together, is taken by desperate you. In other words, you do not choose a material for building your world because you do not have time and you are also scared that if you reject a person, another one will never appears. That is a big problem though, because once you start internalising that person, even if he does not look like a best material for your world, you do not want to destroy it. You think that you are too fragile to go for a new search if you leave this reality. Thus you are stuck in the world which is being constructed every day with many ill-elements which develop together with the world. 

As you see, judging people who do not leave their toxic relationship should not be welcomed. Instead the encouragement to leave their ill-world is a better solution. But what if you are in such a toxic relationship yourself? What if you feel stuck for eternity? What if you feel that if you separate, you will destroy all the world and will not be strong enough to build a new one? Well, I might be straightforward, but even if you risk losing everything from that world, make sure you run away as far as possible. Run away and never come back no matter if you cannot build your new world for some time. Even if you are at that point of collapsing, move on. Because if you do not leave your old world for good, you will never escape its diseases and your suffering will never end. 

PS. even if you find the last paragraph a bit contradictory, it is not the case. Even if you cannot run away for now physically, make sure that you set up this idea in your mind. Start living with the idea that it is a must to leave. All the worlds are constructed in our minds and for this reason you cannot really leave your old world if it is still in your mind. And also if you do not leave it, you cannot make it nonexistent in your mind for good. Be brave ❤

** What applies to the Prince not that Charming, equally applies to the Princess too.

A Poet Who Felt The Stars

poem: poet

you revived me

in between of

your lines

you let me live

here

by your side

but i lived

all alone

so lonely

in the silence

i did not know

you were 

just beside

without 

getting tired

i wanted

to talk

but all i heard

it was silence

i wanted to hug

but i was left

without guidance

now i know

i was

totally blinded

now i believe

you must

have got tired

now i just hope

you will 

revive me

not in your lines

you will stop

my silence

now i just ask

to give me advice

should I wake up

or my place

is just in between

these black lines

***

poem: feeling

what a good feeling

to see yourself alive

what a good feeling

to breath deeply at the night

what a good feeling

to feel the pain

what a good feeling

to experience the shame

what a good feeling

to freeze in the rain

what a good feeling

to loose all you once gained

but what a disaster

to live looking alright

what a disaster 

to be dead deep inside

***

poem: stars

what do you see

when you look 

at the stars

do they show

your bright future

or dark scars 

from the past

what do you hear

when the stars 

talk to you

do they sing  

a lullaby

or are they crying

like fools

what do you feel

when the stars look at you

do you feel safe

or are you lost

in the storm

what do you see

when you look at the sky

is it the future 

or all what once died

10 things which Munkchip enjoys in life:

Yes, I am totally aware that if you are in the bottom of you existence, it is totally possible that none of the things makes you happy and in this case forcing yourself like them usually would not work at all. That is why measures such as appointment with psychiatrist lets say must be taken to make yourself be able enjoy little things again.

Anyway, tonight I was reflecting what makes me happy in life right now, when I finally manage to feel positive emotions again. And voila, I came up with such a list!

  1. Over-drinking coffee

To be more precise, for me coffee is not only the liquid which I drink, it’s way more the ritual of drinking this life’s elixir. The ritual which revives me and freezes me in this perfect moment for some time but at that moment it feels as if it was for infinity. As if all the problems were left in the past and prominent perspectives – in the future. As if all the problems were left in the past and prominent perspectives – in the future.

2. Feeding ducklings

Yes, if anyone asks me what hobbies I have, I would definitely include duckling’s feeding to my top hobbies list. Feeding ducks with ducklings makes me so calm, relaxed and excited about cute ducklings moving all around and impatiently waiting for some bread.

3. Going for a walk while listening to the music

I absolutely adore going for a walk while listening to the music. In such case, I am totally okay about going for a walk on my own because I can calmly listen my favourite songs while forgetting everything around and diving into my daydream.

4. Taking exams

Yes, you understood right. I like taking exams because… it’s simply exciting especially when I have not prepared much. In such a case my exam is like an exciting challenge where you need to increase your efficiency as much as possible – study less, leave exam room fast and then get a good grade! And yes, I know it quite odd, but that is how I am.

5.Travelling

I guess here no explanations are needed. I love discovering new places, observing panoramic views and feeling how my cultural capital is being boosted.

6. Running around like crazy

I am Hyperactive Munkchip and I cannot stop myself from this odd activity which includes jumping around, running around, laughing as much as you can. Amm, do not worry, I never do that when I am alone, it would look too creepy and would not be fun at all. However, as I spend so much time with my sister, I am lucky – jumping and running around is guaranteed.

7.Deep talks with reflective people

What I like more than running around like crazy, it’s deep talks with reflective people. I adore deep-thinking and reflective people and thus conversation with them must be totally refreshing and inspiring. What could be better than to dive into alternative world together with a person who is not about to drown in this complex world…

8. Dumb but cute Korean serials

Lately I have been watching them, and it is very relaxing even if the plot is dumb. Also, it purifies my head after facing with vulgar people in reality. Korean guys could look extremely cute by the way!

9. Dressing up well

There is no secret that majority of girls enjoy dressing up well. In fact I love professional looks and I try to dress so when I go out ( summer excluded).

10. Thinking about promising future & appreciation talks on what we have right now with my sister

Yes, it is really nice to hear confirmation that we are in the good path, that we are cool young adults who worked hard to have everything what we do have right now. I know all this, but it is good for me to hear that self praise from time to time. In the end, talking about appreciation of the present moment makes me happy too because I feel that I do right by trying to stop the time. Voila!

And what are the things which make you happy the most?

Lost Soul Overdosed : Let’s Play

poem: lost soul

i thought

i was insane

i occupied

one’s place

and this life

was not mine

i did it by 

unforgivable 

mistake

i walked by street

but legs

they weren’t

mine

i cried all night

but endless 

blue-grey tears

they were

all dry

i talked

to people

but these words

were stolen

i tried

to think but

my reflections

were just

someone’s else

i was afraid

i needed to find

real myself

but who I were

i did not know

i guess 

i were 

a lost soul

***

poem: overdose

one pill and you wake up

this nightmare disappears

few hours – not enough

and you again cry here

two pills –  you feel so light

you fly without a fear

you touch the cloud and fall

you drown in a lake of tears

three pills – you stop to crawl

you are as never near

you see you were a doll —

il faut en prendre combien?

more pills and you wake up

this time for good my dear

your nightmare is so far

you even don’t feel scared

***


poem: let me play

let me pretend

i’m happy

let me fake

my smile

let me act

as a superhero

just let me  

play

let me pretend

let me fake

let me act

let me play

let me pretend

i live long

let me fake

my name

let me act

as a normal human-being

just let me 

play 

this life

let me pretend

let me fake

let me act

let me play

just love

just smile

just live

just try

let me pretend

there is no this cauchmare 

Munkchip shares pages from her old diary ( also known as The Counter)

This time Hyperactive Munkchip focuses on readers who are dealing with dark monsters: depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder and other mental illnesses . Munkchip knows well, that these people often struggle alone and sometimes seek to find others with similar problems to have the feeling that they are not alone who are placed in the war against terrible monsters. For this reason, Hyperactive Munkchip shares a couple of pages of her diary from 2017. The idea is that even if these pages are so negative and dark, these days, in 2019, Hyperactive Munkchip feels much better due to the successful treatment. Thus, even if there is very low chance that these monsters will disappear by themselves, Munkchip wants to emphasise that it is possible to get powerful weapons to fight them back ( such as medication&psychotherapy&others combined). But about all that – next time!

Alert : Content Might be Disturbing!

‘ Live and die, live and die, live and die many times per day, week, month and year. Live and die many times per my life. Or die and live? I am dead more often than I live, this fact is clear. Or I am in the process of dying, it is even more terrible because it is always scarier to die slowly when you are conscious and aware of this terrifying process. Therefore, I am scared of myself. I am scared of myself because it is not me anymore who is in control of my life and death. I lost control over myself. It seems that some kind of powerful machine had taken it over me and now it decides the matter of my life and death. I still remember these old times when I firmly knew that everything is in my hands and that I am a master of my mind. I also remember myself trying to imagine what does it mean to be crazy, what does it mean to be not in control of yourself anymore. But you know, it’s almost impossible to know what does it mean until you experience that by yourself. Well, even though at these old times my efforts were fruitless, now I wish I didn’t know what it’s like. Now I wish I were that curious and most importantly alive girl without any answer. Because now I know the answer to my question but the price is too big: I forgot what does it mean to be alive, I forgot what does it mean to be in control, what does it mean to be powerful and all-capable.  Now I do not have the answer anymore how to bring myself to life, how to regain all my powers. Is it possible to do that at least? I highly doubt, unfortunately. Because I am either in the process of dying or I’m already dead, even during these rare moments when I almost live, I know that it is not for a long. I know that I am mortal. I mean it is not only my body which is mortal, but it’s also my soul, my mind, my essence. It has a terminal disease. Virus. I’m dying dying dying from inside, even at this precise moment of writing, I feel how some poisons are spreading over my body and mind. You know I used to be strong, I learned how to never cry even though my life was not easy. But now I feel miserable, I feel weak, I feel how my tears are making my face all wet. Is that the same strong and determined me? How it could be possible? No, it’s machine, it is not who I am, it is not what I do. Or maybe it is me, maybe this machine takes over my personality and it becomes a part of me? It is scary, believe me. It is scary to see myself in such a bottom. It is scary to see myself without any mental energy, with dark thoughts and pain in my chest which comes from nowhere. It is scary to see that even though I still struggle to do my best when it comes to my professional life and I succeed to do that surprisingly well, I just can’t force myself to do something more. It is scary to know that I could be so much more than I am now. I had potential but the machine or virus or whatever what took control over my mind disturbed my progress and now I feel numb. Nah, my mind is with a defect, big one which is probably impossible to repair. God, what is happening to me? Is it real? I want to be alive, I want to feel, I want to be that person who liked herself again. But I am dying every day and I am tired of that. Sometimes it becomes unbearable and it is almost impossible to exist then. You are bursting inside, you want to go to all the directions at once, you want to scream as loud as possible, you want to hit the wall as strongly as possible, but you stay painfully still, without any movement, almost frozen. I wish you never know what it is like. Because I have never felt more pain than during these minutes of horror. Oh god, I have a perfect life, I struggled so much in order to have it and when I finally have it, these terrible monsters in my head do not allow me to enjoy. I feel powerless about that. I feel that these monsters make me waste my time, they make me kill myself slowly. They kill my mind and I kill my body. You know, I have been wondering what is worse – broken body or broken mind. Now I would say that if your mind is broken, you will surely break your body too, sooner or later. And that is what I am doing right now. What is worse, I do not care about that at all. I even do not feel sad. Oh yeah, sure, how could I feel sad if I am dead? Dead feel neither joy nor sadness. However, there is one paradox within myself: even though I consider that I will live no more than 3 or maximum 4 years from now, I have created illusion that I will live like other normal people, will make my career and create a family. And I am struggling for these goals which are fake. Which are created so that I would be able to go on even while being numb. You know, many people say that if they knew that they lived only for a few years from now, they would allow themselves to benefit from life and would stop struggling for tomorrow. But it is not my case at all. I want to make me believe that I am normal, that I will have a normal life even though if I know that I won’t. Of course, I allow me to do nonsense which I would be more strict about if I was stable and not in this situation but seeking for my fake goals helps me a lot too. Sometimes it happens that I am more alive and there even was one short moment when I felt sad that I am not supposed to have normal long life. Otherwise, I do not care. Dead do not care. Do not feel. Do not live. But very dead ones do not know that they do not live anymore.  Dead just exist but their existence is terribly painful. But you know what is the worst? It is when you are half alive, because at that moment you understand how dead you was and how dead you will be soon again. It is awful. Oh God, why? I am still fighting, but I am tired, dying and fighting against it is really tiresome. And again, what’s the point of fighting if I know that I will lose anyway? Oh god, I’m falling falling falling in the darkness. My own darkness with my own monsters and demons. This moment is also unbearable. Yes, I feel desperate. I am bursting but I am still typing. Typing helps a bit. The Counter, I am glad I have you, only one who I can trust. Only one to whom I can tell all my thoughts. Only one who does not judge me at all. But you stay silent. And you will stay silent when I will not be here anymore. When I will not visit you anymore. Yeah, you just listen. It is easy to listen to when you are deaf. And when no one requires you to answer. But thank you anyway. ‘

Alienated, Self-evaluated & Guiltless



poem: alienated

 

standing in the crowd

 looking just like them

 complying with the norms

 but i’m not one of them

 sitting with the people

 staring to their eyes

 talking very softly

 but i’m alone inside

 laying under the sky

 holding hands with you

 but this sky is not mine

 and you are stranger too

***

poem: self-evaluation

i walk the empty street

with music in my ears

not sure if i’m alive

i shout but no one hears

i stop and turn around 

so slowly with a grace

i try to feel a moment

this life can’t be a race

i try to freeze the time

to smell to touch to feel

my head starts turning light

i’m lost in an endless sea

i want to live or die

but now i’m in between

let me commit a crime

they told me it won’t heal

***

poem: guiltless

close these doors

and leave me here

go and sleep

don’t tell you care

close your eyes

just fall asleep

just pretend 

you don’t think deep

close your soul

don’t ask me why

it’s not your fault

i died tonight



Who is Hyperactive Munkchip?

Hyperactive Munkchip was born in Vilnius, Lithuania in 1997. Since 2016 Hyperactive Munkchip has been living in France and Belgium. Be aware, nowadays it is possible to run into Hyperactive Munkchip in Paris!

Hyperactive Munkchip is studying in one of the universities in France, trying to regularly go to the gym and overall to be a decent Munkchip-being. Also, Munkchip is known for over-drinking coffee and following semi – inverse day-night rhythm.

Hyperactive Munkchip, as her name indicates, has so much to talk about, so much to reflect and so much to share with all of you. In fact, this daydream of Hyperactive Munkchip brings you into her reflections on the life in nowadays society, psychological issues&problems, mental health and even reflections on mental disorders such as depression, bipolar disorder, generalised anxiety disorder, eating disorders and borderline personality disorder. What is more, here you will also be able to find a bit brighter reflections on various other issues and also some poetry. In the end, Hyperactive Munkchip hopes that everyone will find some good food for thoughts.

PS. Hyperactive Munkchip sends virtual hugs to everyone and is willing to receive your messages, comments, critics or even to meet you in person. Kisses!

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